Explaining Elon Musk’s Hyperloop, in extremely basic terms

Elon Musk’s Hyperloop transportation system may
seem complicated, but it’s really quite simple.
This week, PayPal co-founder and Tesla CEO Elon
Musk announced plans to build ( http://qz.com/328158/elon-musk-says-he-is-actually-building-that-hyperloop-test-track/ ) a Hyperloop
test track, “most likely in Texas.” Musk originally
unveiled his plans for the Hyperloop, a
transportation system that he claims will be able
to get people from Los Angeles to San Francisco
in under 30 minutes, in 2013.

There are a lot of complicated physics, fluid
dynamics and computational transportation
science involved in the particulars of the
Hyperloop, which spanned 58 PDF pages ( http://www.spacex.com/hyperloop ) in Musk’s first pass
at an explanation. When you break it down,
however, it’s really a system that anyone can
understand. Here, I attempt to explain it in the
simplest terms I can come up with.
Okay. The Hyperloop, in essence, has two parts:
the neotransistometer, and the trans-combustant
air putrifier.

The function of the neotransistometer, I think, is
self-explanatory: It oxidizes the laser-field turbine
(LFT) and compresses the Polonium intake valve
so that the gasohol pistons can achieve
millenniary exit velocity. In order for the Hyperloop
to reach Mach 0.91 (also known as Eberstark’s
Constant, represented as ρ), the LFT’s must
super-collide, sublimate and thermosynthesize
simultaneously, reaching the electrolytical
oxiduction point; with a steady supply of
polycarbonate thermite flooded into the rotary
dehydration portal, each Hyperloop pod can
successfully ignite, elevate, and chromosphere
from one terminal to the next, without argifying, de-substantiating or undergoing fyto-photo-

The trans-combustant air putrifier, meanwhile, is a
bit more complicated. You know how typical
internal combustion engines tend to Boullify in
aneroid environments where the gear ratio is
constrained by a manifold vacuum? (We’ve all
been there! Lol.) Musk’s plan for the Hyperloop
evades this common restraint by applying what’s
known as Koppinger’s Conjecture to a colloidal
body’s gravitational field strength. As far as I
know (correct me in the comments!), this has
never been attempted before.

To lay out the problem: When super-cooled heavy
air interacts with a hybrid ethlyene glycollagen
solution, it tends to convaporize into a corrosive
Potassium 2-ethylhexanoate mixture. This means
that the rubidium undecamercurides threaten to
combolobulate the entire system. And that
is ::looks straight into the camera:: a tricky-wicky
potato, my good neighbor!

In the Hyperloop’s transcombustant air putrifier,
however, that vapor is flushed out and treated
with a burst of gamma rays, swirled with 9000
degree Kelvin stardust and then hammer-forced,
via a series of pulleys, into a pool of liquefied PCP
Angel Dust, where it is cooked, frozen, cooked,
frozen, cooked, frozen and then vaporized(x8),
until it has been subjected to at least 75 phase
changes. (All of this occurs in a span of about 0.5
human seconds, or 0.00000837 seconds on the
planet Gammurax). When post-adumbration
occurs, on the fifth full moon after Secretary’s
Appreciation Day, the transcombustant air putrifier
roars, and the engine is fully fueled, thus driving
the pods forward, toward San Francisco.

Now, this is a highly simplified, dumbed-down
account of the precise science of the Hyperloop. I
didn’t even bother, for example, attempt to explain
the inner-workings of the carbonite Wankel engine,
or the nuclear thermojet boosters, or even the
most elementary facets of the Linux-based
computational Gorbachev neurometer.

This should, however, be enough to make you
conversant at your next dinner party, blind date, or
chat with your barber/dog-sitter.

Also the tracks are made of aluminum or Silicon or
some shit, I don’t know.


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